Last night was hard. These past weeks alone have been stressful and trying to be both a stay at home and a working mom at the same time have gotten the best of me. I started to feel I was not doing my best at home with my kids when they needed me. And I certainly haven’t been given my all to my job either, as I now realized they want more of me too. I can’t dedicate my ALL to one thing. After working early these past few days I was starting to feel defeated. I was lacking “me time” and I had become overwhelmed. I was tired. I was sleep-deprived. I wanted a clean home. I wanted to not have any chores. I wanted zero mom responsibilities.
I began screaming at my kids because their rooms were not clean. It was late already. There was a pile of laundry in my daughter’s room that needed to be folded and put away. My downstairs was a mess as they left all the toys scattered from the living room to the dining room. My oldest was complaining he couldn’t sleep because the youngest was throwing the biggest tantrum and crying his eyes out. He was screaming at the top of his lungs because he wanted to watch Moana and not go to bed yet. They were testing my limits for sure. I asked my husband for help because I was feeling weak and just over it which he quickly ignored. And that was my breaking point…
I just wanted to be alone. I started to think life without kids is better.
If you asked me 10 years ago if I wanted to be a mother I would instantly tell you yes. Last night I would scream out to you NO.
I had a coworker asked me how are all my kids doing and how do I handle life with all three. My reply was, “It gets crazy, but I’m surviving.”
She is single and enjoying her youth by traveling and meeting new people as she goes. What possible struggles could she have going on at home.. none I thought. And a part of me envied her a little.
Because I thought life without kids is better.
So last night I walked away from it all and closed my door and locked myself in the bathroom. I cried it all out. Yes I let it all out. Alone. It all got to me and I didn’t know how to handle it but to simply just cry.
So much went through my mind and I started thinking why life without kids is better.
The luxury of going where I please at any time without having children to worry about. The thought of waking up when I want to and go to bed early because there is no one I need to attend to. Being able to finish school without worrying about childcare and the ridiculous cost while I am gone all day, pursue my career full time, or simply travel like the rest of the people my age have. I missed my spontaneous date nights with my husband. I missed when we didn’t argue or I didn’t yell at him about absurd dumb things like why he didn’t throw away the dirty diaper lying on the floor or whose turn it is to bathe the kids. I just wanted that laid-back quality time we once had alone.
Overall the FREEDOM.
So much went through my head. I was reminded that parenting is not black and white. That every mother with children at some point has felt like this at their most fragile state. I have realized having children is a choice, not something that inevitably happen to me without my consent.
I don’t have all the answers. I am not perfect. My patience sometimes isn’t the best as I wish it could be. And I often find myself crying like I did last night. As I am still learning everyday as I go. I am imperfect in my own ways with my own desires and disappointments.
And after being alone for some time I began to feel better. I wiped my tears and open the door. I went to my son’s room and found my daughter sleeping in her brother’s bed. Next to her on the other side of the room Luke was sleeping in his crib tucked in. He looked so peaceful and I immediately felt a gush of guilt through my body. How could I want a life without him. I heard a small whisper that said, “I Love you Mommy”, it was my oldest Ryan who was still awake. I went on to hug him and told him how I was sorry for yelling at him earlier. It was just me and him awake and the house was quiet and that was exactly what I wanted all along… except it now felt empty.
That is the opposite of what I expected to feel. So I squeezed him tightly and hugged my son one more time as I kissed him goodnight.
And I was more certain than ever that my life with my children is so much better.
They give me a daily purpose everyday. Their warm smiles lighten up my day.
I have a place where I belong, a place I call home, tiny little humans that I created who love and need me, I have experienced the meaning of true love. I have found a new perspective on the small things in life that I took for granted once. In many ways children make you grow up and want more in life. I now know what matters and that is building my family.
It’s a beautiful thing to have and definitely what many spend years trying to find.
So today I choose to look at all the positive and focus on all the happiness motherhood has brought me. It has changed my life for the better regardless of what I have sacrificed over the years.
life with my children is so much better.
Someday my kids won’t need me anymore. There won’t be a constant chatter in the background, there won’t be little people calling out “mama” every five minutes, there won’t be that undying never ending affection that comes along when they wake you up first thing in the morning. But I want to have their comfort and trust forever. I want to look back at their childhood and I want to remember the good moments. I don’t want to regret anything I did or said. I am grateful for the good and the bad.
I have my highs and lows, imaging does not make me a bad mother.
I am human after all.